When I was in high school and just out of college, I tended to get wrapped up in the lives of my boyfriends. I didn’t go out much with my friends, I didn’t call, and I became a “girlfriend of” instead of a friend. I’m ashamed of this, but it’s true. Relationships felt all-consuming then, and I confused closeness with giving up my independence. I thought being available all the time proved how much I cared. Looking back, I can see that I was slowly disappearing from my own life.

Now that I’m older, I can say that it is a balancing act. I love being with my friends. They ground me, remind me of who I am, and support me. But they are also busy. Life does not always leave room for spontaneous plans, even when everyone cares. Still, friendship remains an important part of feeling like myself. Friends know the parts of me that existed before the relationship. They also remind me that love should add to my identity, not replace it.

I love being in a relationship, too. I like coming home to someone, and how my life is richer in different ways than when I’m alone. But I don’t want the relationship to take over the other parts of my life. It’s easy to keep seeing my boyfriend because it is comfortable and enjoyable. I don’t have to plan or go out. I can simply be. That ease is wonderful, but it can quietly become a routine. Before I realize it, I may be choosing convenience instead of making room for everyone I love.

Quality time is difficult when friends have children, work crazy hours, travel, or live far away. In L.A., even different neighborhoods can be an hour apart, so weeks or months can pass without seeing each other. I’m still trying to balance my relationship, career, family, and friends in a way that works. The important people remain important, even when schedules fluctuate. I’m trying to make sure too much time doesn’t go by so that we drift apart.